i feel like we're making an infomercial for happiness

Just because I keep up to date with Audrey Kitching's Buzznet page, doesn't mean I'm a brainless girl who doesn't know what a romodel is.

Just because I buy fashion magazines like Zink and InStyle doesn't mean I'm shallow and doesn't like reading real books.

Just because I love high fashion ads and fashion photography doesn't mean I don't know how to appreciate art.

Just because I have certain interests doesn't mean I'm a certain type of person.

I am sick of people stereotyping.

Hey, I'm into a lot of 'shallow' things like looking at high fashion ads and Joshua Petker paintings, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy philosophy and reading books about dragons and wizards. Like honestly, a person will look at one aspect of somone elses life and just blow it out of proportion. I find fashion ads to be considered a form of art and Joshua Petker is boss. That's just an opinion and doesn't mean I'm a ditz.

I feel like there's waaay too many people either saying, "Death to scene queens and depressing poetry is boss!" or "Oh em gee, my life sucks because my mom won't let me buy the new Tarina Tarantino necklace!"

I find poetry amazing and if you can write it well, you're friggin talented and  Tarina Tarantino is one of the best visionaries when it comes to jewelry (and handbags). There's no pacifier between the two groups of people. It's almost like they have to be against each other.

I don't know. It all came out at once.

 

I guess innocence is out of style.

 

 

Last night I went to my first concert (Death Cab For Cutie), and I could feel the music. Physically feel it. Vibrating off my ribs and beating through my veins. Rogue Wave played as an opening band and had one particular song that was only really made up of a base drum, something like a slide guitar, and a voice. I loved the base drum. Each time it sounded, I could feel it in my diaphram, right beneath my skin and muscles and bouncing off of the surface of my heart. I pressed my fingers to my wrist and felt my pulse. It was the drum, and the tempo of my blood in my heart, and beat that the rest of the Fox Theatre felt as Rogue Wave's drummer struck the pedal. I could close my eyes and feel alive from across the theatre.

One, two, three, four. And I thought, This is you. Do you feel and hear it? This is you.

Sometimes I can get those few minutes where certain things remind me I'm alive. Certain moments where you know your heart is beating and your lungs are breathing.

My writer's block is terrible right now.
What was strange about Rogue Wave was the fact that I don't like their music, but I loved them live. I could've listened to them for hours, all night. Death Cab For Cutie was amazing too. They sounded great, and Ben Gibbard has an awesome sense of humor. "Lady, I'm a gentleman. I don't know what you're trying to do by putting money on the stage, but... No, the clothes stay on...all four of us. I'm a gentleman, lady, a gentleman."

I loved the concert, hands down. There are certain feelings you get when you hear an entire theatre singing, I want to live where soul meets body. and I'll follow you into the dark. It's like everything and everyone is telling you, You're human. 

Huh, well I know it sounds dramatic, but I guess I'm a primadonna deep down. Deep, deep down.

Oh, Seawolf was supposed to play, but couldn't because they were late. I was so sad. I really looked forward to hearing them live. The drummer, Ted...he was cool. My Zio and I talked to him for a bit before the show started.

He gave me one of those stares. One of his icy blue stares that are supposed to scare the hell out of you, that are supposed to say, "Tell me you're scared of me." They're supposed to make you feel like he can see right into every pore and facet of your face and know enough about you to know how to scare you. "Are you sure you're not scared of me?" he asked me. He looked me right in the eye. I wondered if he had practised that stare in the mirror. Because he can give anyone it, and whether they're being serious or not, they'll say, "Yes. I'm terrified." But one of the things I loved about myself at that moment was the fact that I said, "No. Not at all." with a smile and actually meant it. I'm not scared of him, even though he is young and is doing the things every one only talks about doing. Drugs, the works. I'm not scared of him, even though he talks about doing things that are only fit for a horror movie.

What

confuses me the most is the fact that I have fallen for one of the 'bad boys' (I use the quotations heavily). He stands for everything I stand against, and is the exact opposite of what I want to see in someone worth caring about. I don't love him or have a crush, that would be horrible. I just care. So much that it probably isn't good for me. But I'll admit he's pretty good-looking (not so serious self coming back). He's got the European look, with icy blue eyes, thick black fringe eyelashes and thick curly sandy blond hair, with a strong jaw and a straightline nose. Sometimes I wonder if all the bad things people do and all the attention they get from others ends up carving their faces to look beautiful over time. God, I feel like Bella Swan from Twilight. Next thing he'll be telling me is that I shouldn't have said I wasn't scared of him and he'll end up really scaring the hell out of me. Wait, I just realized that now.

I don't want anyone to have a hissy fit because I'm stating opinion. Though I doubt many people will actually read this anyway.  I guess if you do, just remember everyone is allowed to have opinions.

I see too many people being hated for no reason. 'Scene queens' is the example I want to use, because it's the one that bothers me the most at the moment. Sometimes, I'll go on Audrey Kitching's Buzznet profile (hey, she can be entertaining :)) and I see some of the comments left on a few of her pictures. Some of them can be horrible! It makes me so sad. I see comments that are randomly mean.  I'm guessing that she didn't look up certain people's profiles and start writing junk about them. No one said you have to like her or any of the other popular 'scene queens',  (believe me, I'm not one to kiss ass, especially to people I barely know) but honestly, is her doing what she does that much of a problem? Is it a problem big enough to expell so much energy writing about how fake you think she is?
It bothers me so much to see people being hated for no reason and seeing people making big deals out of little things. Believe it or not, there are bigger problems in the world other than whatever the hell Audrey Kitching or Jeffree Star (spelling?) does.

Now let's focus on a real problem like world hunger or global warming.

If you actually happen to read this and have other thoughts, I'm definitely open to them. Just try and do it politely. (I do see and understand the opposite point of view.)

As Chris was walking off the bus, he told me, "Ivana, if you see lightening bolts coming from my house tonight, I'm turning into a werewolf." He was serious because he has something like autism. Right now, what made me decide to write this useless journal before I disappear for nine days, Ali is super hyper because she has to write a history exam tomorrow which will probably be a snow day...she tells me, "I feel like running through the streets naked." I told both Chris and Ali, "I'll watch out for that." Why I wrote this journal, I don't know.